You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT:Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT:The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT:Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT:One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"....

Bulletin Board Postings & Responses

1. BMW F650 GS for sale
2. Writer Hunter S. Thompson commits suicide
3. Drug-fuelled fear and loathing on the insanity of America
4. HK’s Route Numbering Cock-up

News Headlines

Kowloon Bay land auction nets $1.8b
Raymond Wang, Danny Chung and Carrie Chan, The Standard 23 February 2005
The success of the first government auction of commercial land in more than three years shows that developers remain keen for office and retail opportunities outside Hong Kong's core business districts.

Cartoon
SCMP, 22 February 2005

Bypass only answer: Suen
Sylvia Hui and Paris Lord, The Standard 23 February 2005
The proposed Central-Wan Chai bypass is the only answer to reducing heavy traffic congestion, planning chief Michael Suen said.

Signature system makes mark
STUART BIGGS, SCMP 22 February 2005

Signature analysis from Penflow measures a person's unique trait that is behavioural rather than physical. The software measures a signature according to four variables - pressure, speed, acceleration and rhythm (including "airtime") - which it authenticates against a stored algorithm.

Viaduct would need reclamation of harbour
MARTIN WONG, SCMP 22 February 2005
A viaduct planned for the Western District waterfront could include reclamation work and breach the Harbour Protection Ordinance.

Iconic US author commits suicide
SCMP 22 February 2005

Hard-living writer Hunter S. Thompson, whose “gonzo” style of journalism made him a counterculture icon and inspiration for the character “Uncle Duke” in the comic strip Doonsbury, kills himself at his Colorado home.

Mega Tower stumbles at Legco hurdle
CHLOE LAI, SCMP 22 February 2005
The Wan Chai Mega Tower has been blocked for more than 10 years.
Sir Gordon Wu Ying-sheung has the legal right to build a single, 93-storey hotel tower at the site: that plan received the board's approval in 1994.

Cultural think-tank proposed to guide the development of hub
WINNIE YEUNG , SCMP 21 February 2005
A counter-proposal on developing the West Kowloon cultural hub suggests the government set up a think-tank to draft the project's framework and maintain sustainable cultural development.

Fresh start call on culture hub
Cannix Yau, The Standard 21 February 2005
Only three bidders - consisting of major developers - have been shortlisted for the proposed $40 billion West Kowloon Cultural District project. ERIC WONG

Only one in four orders for repairs satisfied
CHLOE LAI , SCMP 19 February 2005
Only a quarter of dilapidated buildings hit with government maintenance orders in the past four years have been properly repaired, while one in seven demands have simply been ignored by owners.

Developer fights theme park rejection in court
Jonathan Li, The Standard 17 February 2005
A private property developer has asked the High Court to compel the Town Planning Board to reconsider its October 2003 rejection of a proposed "Old Hong Kong'' theme park along the waterfront in Quarry Bay.

Call for land sales transparency
PEGGY SITO and FOSTER WONG, SCMP 16 February 2005
Transactions in the most valuable of Hong Kong commodities - land - are seen by some as a friendly arrangement between government and big business.

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